Sometimes you think you’ve done something good, something that you can be proud of. Then you fuck up. You let down the people you love. Over and over again. You wish you could turn back time or kill yourself. But the sad reality is that you have to live with the consequences of your action. 

I saved a life but lost the trust of one I love the most. The weight of disappointing your loved ones is much heavier indeed. I know this now. It’s not a fair trade off but life is unfair. 

This is what I learned on my birthday. Happy birthday to me. 

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My Boyfriend is A Poet

I’m updating my blog to fangurrrrrrl over my boyfriend’s poetic prowess.

I thought my boyfriend would make a great rapper.

The way he easily comes up with words that rhyme and make sense in an incredibly short amount of time is nothing short of amazing. One can say, it’s a gift but we do not believe in a higher being to gift us with skills of the written word. Yes, written. His mind jumbles the words when it comes out of his mouth but when his hands talk, free-flowing, and quick I sit in silence watching him form words so simple but so well constructed I curse myself for not thinking of it.

My “poetry” consists of words forced from the back of my mind, while I searched the thesaurus for highfalutin phrases and old cliches. A flowery stanza after another flowery stanza with awkward stops and forced correlations. Nothing made sense. But he, my beloved, is able to turn the most vulgar of expletives into poetry. I am both jealous and proud. I am proud to have this man in my life. His words are pure and honest and simple. As should every poetry be.

My boyfriend wouldn’t make a great rapper. He’s a poet.

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We have no title yet, for this… Sooooo… ^^’

Put a fork in me, I’m done

Put a dick in me, I’m fun

Put some meat in me, I’m a bun

Put bullets in me, I’m a gun

Put god in me, I’m a nun

Make words with me, I’m a pun

Put shoes on me, I gotta run

Pull a baby out of me, it’s a son

Put weights on me, I weigh a ton

I’m the lottery, and you’ve won.

I know I won the lottery when we found each other :3

On Reaching A Quarter of a Century

I just turned 25 last Sunday!

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. The gamer in me is trying to convince me that I leveled up, or did I? Sure, I can accept that, considering I can now complete 15 Oblique V-Ups in a row from the P90x Ab Ripper workout. But apart from that, I see no other significant changes in my life. Physically? Like, wer do mucslez? Mentally? Eh, *shrugs.* Emotionally? Just the other day I got annoyed at a random guy who walked pass me. He just walked pass me and I got annoyed!

I am a kid.

One of my friends said that I’ll soon be having a quarter-life crisis. Please, I’ve been having those since I turned 15. What I want to know is what turning 25 entailed? What do other 25 year-olds do?

My mom was 21 when she married my dad who was 25.

Mom

This is a stolen shot of my mom when she was young but engaged to my dad. Sooooooo around 20 years-old?

Dad

My dad is posing on top of bundles of rice. Neat.

They got a civil wedding back then and they didn’t have me until my mom was 24.

Look at that youthful face so ready to take on the world!

Look at that youthful face so ready to take on the world!

I have a problem with that arrangement. I’m too young to get married or have kids… or both (I won’t have kids but people expect it of me; see my thoughts on having children here). I still think I’m too irresponsible and childish but at the same time I want to be treated like an adult so I can be independent. It’s easy to depend on your parents but the responsibilities of adulthood is too much for me especially the financial part of adulthood.

My parents are urging me to just get married but I keep telling them that I don’t have money for that to which they would respond to me that they too had nothing in the beginning. My dad’s running dialogue was: “When your mother and I just got started on our life we had no money and our dates would just consist of walks in the park. Our dinner would be pandesal and inside that would be our tears.” He was exaggerating of course but that’s the reality.

Now that I’m 25, am I supposed to be doing something different? Wait… I actually am doing something different.

A few months before my birthday, I had just started learning about budgeting. Every single day I would try to stick to my budget which both easy and hard. I find that if I don’t have a complete set of meals I bring to work, I was always tempted to buy from the convenience store beside our office building. They really don’t have anything healthy there and when I could not resist the call of calories, I buy. Bad news for my wallet and my nutrition.

This Friday, I can finally buy an oven! I’ve been saving for this baby for 2.5 months! My dad got our electric grill fixed, and for my birthday I asked my parents to buy me a food steamer, and finally, at the beginning of September I can start meal prepping! It is really cheaper to cook your own food as opposed to buying fast food or eating out.

Take that world! Am I adult enough for you?!

Career wise, it’s been pretty stagnant. I don’t like working at my current job anymore. I have seen very little growth in my skills and the pay is bad. I just want to go to Canada or New Zealand 😦

I promised my parents that I’d be the one responsible for paying my process fees, passport renewals, medical exams, other payments the embassy of Canada requires me to pay. I computed it and I’d need to save 65k just for that, not including the plane ticket I would need to buy once I’m approved. Also, not including the money I need to have to move to Canada (I need CA$10,000.00 which is PHP 500,000.00++).

I try not to be discouraged. Sometimes I get pumped up but most of the times you can’t help but find your circumstances bleak.

I wish I’d win the lottery.

Despite reading this post and having read just negativities and complaints, I do have things that I am thankful for.

I’m thankful to my parents and my brother for sticking with me no matter what. I may get annoyed and we may fight sometimes and may get into a lot misunderstandings but you understand that that’s just how I am and accept it. BUTTTTTTT just because I’m a working adult now doesn’t mean you can stop giving me gifts!! GIVE ME GIFTS! I AM A KID!

I’m thankful to my friends. Sam and Dean Winchester always emphasized that “Family doesn’t end with blood.” I completely agree! I consider you guys a part of my family who’ve always looked out for me and my best interest. I sometimes get too sensitive and get angry with you but then again, you forgive me because you know that’s how I am and you still kept around me.

And of course, I’m thankful to a not-so new addition to my life: my boyfriend. We may fight sometimes and have plenty of misunderstandings, and we may be far apart, but when you know, you know. Being the mean, judgmental bitch that I am, my boyfriend gives me new perspectives about different things. He is the reason my mind and my emotions are growing (I’m still emotionally childish as I’ve described above but I’m changing). He is respectful and loving and kind and I couldn’t ask for anything more. Just that we stay together as long as circumstances allow us.

You can say that even though all I do is rant all the time (as evidenced by this post and all previous posts), I’m looking forward to what being 25 might bring me. I’m trying not to worry about possibilities that haven’t happen yet ( I can’t help it ._.) but the uncertainty of the future is scary. *cue Szymborska’s Love at First Sight*

What I’m going to say is I’ll try taking more risks this time. Consequences are frightening but I don’t want to grow old thinking about what-ifs and “what could have beens.”

So 25 is the age I take risks!

Musings

Sometimes you think something would be easy so you accept it because for a reason or another it seems perfect, logical even.

But it’s not. Nothing in life is ever easy.

It will tear you and wear you out. And on most days you feel tired for no reason, you have no energy for anything. You try to keep yourself busy to forget.

You live day to day without looking forward to anything. Except the little things like a new oven, or a new gear. They’ll distract your mind for a week, or three, but after that you have to go look for something else.

I don’t see anything five years from now. Ten years from now I see nothing, I might be blind by then.

For now, I’ll move at my own pace. I’ll keep feeling until I’m numb and no longer willing to feel.

We’ll see where this goes. Even if I lose my sight.

On Being Fit

I know I said in the post before this one (it’s literally the post below this post), that I’m going to start a fitness blog to meet the fitness blogging demands of this country (if there’s even any *shrugs*). Now, a couple of days ago I was ranting to my boyfriend about my stress levels and how I haven’t worked out in three weeks. He then tells me how ironic that was since I just announced starting a fitness blog.

Here’s what I told the beloved. I told him that I was taking a break because I’m starting to get burned out. I thought I had a pretty solid variety of exercises to keep me from being bored but for some reason I still get bored and it annoys me that I can’t stick to a schedule. Okay, maybe I can stick to it for a week and a half but after that everything just  becomes meh.

Another reason, which I forgot to tell my boyfriend, is that I blame my laziness on No Weigh May. By doing the challenge I was able to understand that one of the main factors in keeping my motivation is by monitoring my progress through numbers. We all know, that the number on the scale is a lie and not an indication of health (I should know I’m already 109 lbs but my stomach looks like 125), and the projected weight on MyFitnessPal after you’ve finished counting calories for the day are mere estimates, the same goes for the number of calories burned on exercise apps like NTC and exercise videos like most videos on Fitness Blender’s (they’ve already addressed this). I know this, but the motivation these numbers give me is indescribable and once I see that I’ve hit this certain number, I get an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment.

Most people would tell you not to base it on the numbers but on what you feel and I agree. But I’m not good at observing myself unless I see a drastic change physically and strength-wise so I need the numbers. It doesn’t have to be measured via scale but keeping track of my caloric intake, for example, helps me eat less and seeing the amount of calories burned helps me push harder (which is actually bad ’cause your body needs rest; learning that now).

TL;DR: I’m never doing No Weigh May again ’cause it makes me a lazy sack of shit and I feel miserable

ON EXERCISING

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So I mentioned about not being able to work out for three weeks because of the reasons stated above; and now I think I’m at that point in my life where I feel really miserable and stressed out when I don’t exercise.

For the past weeks, there’s this combined feeling of lethargy and impatience, like, I can’t keep still. My brain tells me Not to work out so I follow that but my body just can’t keep still. So don’t I just exercise? I don’t really know. It’s that impulse where you need to do something important but you keep trying to convince yourself to do something else. Is it procrastination? It could be.

Then I worked out yesterday to Jillian Michael’s Body Revolution. I missed some sets, felt like I’m on the verge on fainting, my arms still felt like they were gonna fall off (to be fair, I haven’t been consistent with my weight training), and I felt like I was going to vomit. Three weeks of not working out and I’m weak once again. I did some lying yoga stretches on the living room floor and then I feel asleep, undisturbed, on the floor, for an hour. When I woke up my mom noticed that I’m “back to my usual makulit self.” I noticed that too since all while I was showering I never stopped singing to 80’s metal music, or maybe I was just really feeling the 80’s metal vibe that day. Probably.

Before I started to work out late last year, my goal was to lose weight. I’ve achieved that; was 125 lbs, now 109 lbs. Now, I have a new goal and that is to become really strong so I can do exercise tricks like those people on Instagram (:P). Also, I want to have abs, I don’t want to have any jiggly bits except maybe for my boobs and butt (Jen Selter butt, here I come!), and I want to live a long and healthy life so I could at least see frequent space travels happening even if I won’t be able to go because of old age and other factors.

Oh no! I’ve become the fitness freak friend! Give me fitness gifts, friends! kthxbai

Soooooo to answer to the demand of fitness blogs in my country (there’s actually no demand), I decided that I’m going to start a fitness blog. Yay!

Idk what I’ll put there (I don’t even know if I can maintain it) but I’ll get to it… eventually… probably after my trip to Palawan when I start my new gym membership at 24/7 Eclipse Gym.

But seriously, there is a lack of fitness blogs in the Philippines. Or maybe I’m just not looking hard enough? Probably.

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After I finish conceptualizing it, I guess

Musings #3

It beckons to me, the long good night
Rejoice, rejoice for the dying of the light
If the earth is a hologram, then nothing is real
Not fields of poppies, nor famine
Not you nor I are standing —
On this imagined plane where lines are constantly blurred
Nothing is real, everything is imagined

So it beckons and I beckon back
And I switch the light off.

Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

Gashlycrumb Tinies

Gashlycrumb Tinies “K is for Kate…” by Edward Gorey

Thank you