On Reaching A Quarter of a Century

I just turned 25 last Sunday!

I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. The gamer in me is trying to convince me that I leveled up, or did I? Sure, I can accept that, considering I can now complete 15 Oblique V-Ups in a row from the P90x Ab Ripper workout. But apart from that, I see no other significant changes in my life. Physically? Like, wer do mucslez? Mentally? Eh, *shrugs.* Emotionally? Just the other day I got annoyed at a random guy who walked pass me. He just walked pass me and I got annoyed!

I am a kid.

One of my friends said that I’ll soon be having a quarter-life crisis. Please, I’ve been having those since I turned 15. What I want to know is what turning 25 entailed? What do other 25 year-olds do?

My mom was 21 when she married my dad who was 25.

Mom

This is a stolen shot of my mom when she was young but engaged to my dad. Sooooooo around 20 years-old?

Dad

My dad is posing on top of bundles of rice. Neat.

They got a civil wedding back then and they didn’t have me until my mom was 24.

Look at that youthful face so ready to take on the world!

Look at that youthful face so ready to take on the world!

I have a problem with that arrangement. I’m too young to get married or have kids… or both (I won’t have kids but people expect it of me; see my thoughts on having children here). I still think I’m too irresponsible and childish but at the same time I want to be treated like an adult so I can be independent. It’s easy to depend on your parents but the responsibilities of adulthood is too much for me especially the financial part of adulthood.

My parents are urging me to just get married but I keep telling them¬†that I don’t have money for that to which they would respond to me that they too had nothing in the beginning. My dad’s running dialogue was: “When your mother and I just got started on our life we had no money and our dates would just consist of walks in the park. Our dinner would be pandesal and inside that would be our tears.” He was exaggerating of course but that’s the reality.

Now that I’m 25, am I supposed to be doing something different? Wait… I actually am doing something different.

A few months before my birthday, I had just started learning about budgeting. Every single day I would try to stick to my budget which both easy and hard. I find that if I don’t have a complete set of meals I bring to work, I was always tempted to buy from the convenience store beside our office building. They really don’t have anything healthy there and when I could not resist the call of calories, I buy. Bad news for my wallet and my nutrition.

This Friday, I can finally buy an oven! I’ve been saving for this baby for 2.5 months! My dad got our electric grill fixed, and for my birthday I asked my parents to buy me a food steamer, and finally, at the beginning of September I can start meal prepping! It is really cheaper to cook your own food as opposed to buying fast food or eating out.

Take that world! Am I adult enough for you?!

Career wise, it’s been pretty stagnant. I don’t like working at my current job anymore. I have seen very little growth in my skills and the pay is bad. I just want to go to Canada or New Zealand ūüė¶

I promised my parents that I’d be the one responsible for paying my process fees, passport renewals, medical exams, other payments the embassy of Canada requires me to pay. I computed it and I’d need to save 65k just for that, not including the plane ticket I would need to buy once I’m approved. Also, not including the money I need to have to move to Canada (I need CA$10,000.00 which is PHP 500,000.00++).

I try not to be discouraged. Sometimes I get pumped up but most of the times you can’t help but find your circumstances bleak.

I wish I’d win the lottery.

Despite reading this post and having read just negativities and complaints, I do have things that I am thankful for.

I’m thankful to my parents and my brother for sticking with me no matter what. I may get annoyed and we may fight sometimes and may get into a lot misunderstandings but you understand that that’s just how I am and accept it. BUTTTTTTT just because I’m a working adult now doesn’t mean you can stop giving me gifts!! GIVE ME GIFTS! I AM A KID!

I’m thankful to my friends. Sam and Dean Winchester always emphasized that “Family doesn’t end with blood.” I completely agree! I consider you guys a part of my family who’ve always looked out for me and my best interest. I sometimes get too sensitive and get angry with you but then again, you forgive me because you know that’s how I am and you still kept around me.

And of course, I’m thankful to a not-so new addition to my life: my boyfriend. We may fight sometimes and have plenty of misunderstandings, and we may be far apart, but when you know, you know. Being the mean, judgmental bitch that I am, my boyfriend gives me new perspectives about different things. He is the reason my mind and my emotions are growing (I’m still emotionally childish as I’ve described above but I’m changing). He is respectful and loving and kind and I couldn’t ask for anything more. Just that we stay together as long as circumstances allow us.

You can say that even though all I do is rant all the time (as evidenced by this post and all previous posts), I’m looking forward to what being 25 might bring me. I’m trying not to worry about possibilities that haven’t happen yet ( I can’t help it ._.) but the uncertainty of the future is scary. *cue Szymborska’s Love at First Sight*

What I’m going to say is I’ll try taking more risks this time. Consequences are frightening but I don’t want to grow old thinking about what-ifs and “what could have beens.”

So 25 is the age I take risks!

Advertisements

Forgetting your phone is hard as fuck

  1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.¬†I don’t have a book ;A;
  2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? a computer mouse
  3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing? Waiting for my dad to bring my phone to work OTL
  4. What is the last thing you watched on TV? I forgot :I
  5. Without looking, guess what time it is 10-ish? AM
  6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 10:26 AM
  7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Radio
  8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? 2 hours ago. Commuting to work
  9. Did you dream last night? I think I did
  10. Do you remember your dreams? Hellz yeah!
  11. When did you last laugh? An hour ago?
  12. Do you remember why / at what? talking to my colleagues about music and shitting
  13. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Art
  14. Seen anything weird lately? Myself
  15. What do you think of this quiz? Idk
  16. What is the last film you saw? Jupiter Ascending?
  17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Oh oh oh! Canada! or New Zealand! Or any of the nordic countries like Sweden or Denmark or Iceland XD
  18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? A fucking lot
  19. Tell me something about you that most people don’t know.¬†I don’t know what they know :I
  20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? Kill all the Jejes
  21. Do you like to dance?¬†If it’s exercise then yeah
  22. Would you ever consider living abroad? Yes please! Take me away ;A;
  23. Does your name make any interesting anagrams? No ._.
  24. Who made the last incoming call on your phone? Haneh
  25. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Code Geass
  26. Last time you swam in a pool? years ago?
  27. Type of music you like most? A lot
  28. Type of music you dislike most? Few
  29. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah
  30. What color is your bedroom carpet? My bedroom floor is wood
  31. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? Renovate everything!
  32. What was the last thing you bought? Beef lasagna
  33. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike? Yes!! Thank you Xave!
  34. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Yes!!
  35. Do you have a garden? I wish :<
  36. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Yes?
  37. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? I wonder if I have abs yet
  38. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? OMG Neil deGrasse Tyson or Bill Nye please for science stuff, Stephen Colbert for LotR conversations, Neil Gaiman for comic book conversations
  39. Who sent the last text message you received?¬†Dad. It said, “I’ll bring it later. I haven’t pooped yet”
  40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?¬†can’t decide between bookstore or fitness store. If I was asked this years ago it would definitely be the bookstore
  41. What time is bed time? 10 to 11 ish?
  42. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Nein
  43. How many tattoos do you have? 0
  44. If you don’t have any, have you ever thought of getting one?¬†Yes!!
  45. What did you do for your last birthday?  I forgot o.o
  46. Do you carry a donor card? Yeah
  47. Who was the last person you ate dinner with? Alexis and Janella
  48. Is the glass half empty or half full? of what?
  49. What’s the farthest-away place you’ve been?¬†Japan
  50. When’s the last time you ate a homegrown tomato?¬†when I was kid when my grandpa was still alive.
  51. Have you ever won a trophy? Yeah
  52. Are you a good cook? I don’t think so XD
  53. Do you know how to pump your own gas?¬†We’re not allowed to do that here :I
  54. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? Carl Sagan!!
  55. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school? Yeah from NUrsery to HIghschool
  56. Do you touch-type?¬†I don’t know
  57. What’s under your bed?¬†Old notebooks and other stash of gunk I put on my face
  58. Do you believe in love at first sight? Probably?
  59. Think fast, what do you like right now? Corn
  60. Where were you on Valentine’s day?¬†Home
  61. What time do you get up? 6:15 to 6:30 on Weekdays; whenever the hell I want on Saturday; 8:00 on Sundays if I have to go to church
  62. What was the name of your first pet? KC
  63. Who is the second to last person to call you? Izzy
  64. Is there anything going on this weekend? Idk
  65. How are you feeling right now? Alright, I guess
  66. What do you think about the most? Space travel
  67. What time do you get up in the morning?¬†Didn’t I answer this already? =_=
  68. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people?¬†I’m not sure o.o
  69. Who would you tell first? My parents?
  70. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema? I forgot :I
  71. Do you sing in the shower? Yeah
  72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? I answered this already
  73. What do you do most when you are bored? Think of something to do
  74. What do you do for a living?  I write
  75. Do you love your job? Eh
  76. What did you want to be when you grew up? An archaeologist or anthropologist
  77. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? I want to work in the social sciences field or NASA OwO
  78. Which came first the chicken or the egg? The egg
  79. How many keys on your key ring? 3
  80. Where would you retire to? Can I please retire in New Zealand so I can frolic in the lands on the Hobbits?
  81. What kind of car do you drive? A Honda
  82. What are your best physical features? Uhhhh my hair?
  83. What are your best characteristics? My friends say I’m funny :I
  84. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? New Zealand!
  85. What kind of books do you like to read? Whatever catches my fancy
  86. Where would you want to retire to? Why do the questions keep repeating =_=
  87. What is your favorite time of the day? Night
  88. Where did you grow up? Batangas and Manila
  89. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? Not far
  90. What are you reading now? This meme
  91. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night owl
  92. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No XD
  93. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows? Yeah
  94. Do you have pets? Yeah
  95. How many rings before you answer the phone? Once or twice
  96. What is your best childhood memory? When I thought I saw an alien
  97. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life? This and at a call center
  98. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? *shrugs*
  99. What is most important in life? nothing
  100. What Inspires You? Death

*Old people accuse us that this generation have become so dependent on modern technology and I do not disagree with them. I just forgot my phone and I went into a frenzy XD

Following Your Bliss: When it’s not as easy as it sounds

Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.

No offense to you Mr. Campbell but what if I don’t know what my bliss is? What if I don’t ever find my bliss? I have one thing I cling to but what I feel is not the bliss that destroys the walls and replaces them with¬†doors. Instead, I can feel the walls slowly closing in on me; the door’s bolted from the outside and offers me no hope of escaping. On some days, I try to push back the walls but they come back angrier and what’s left now is less space than what I had before. It won’t be long until I’m completely suffocated¬†and helpless. I take that back. I’m already helpless.

I envy the people who found their bliss easily: the travelers, the writers, the artists, world changers, ground-breakers, trend-setters. They must have known what their bliss was and made sacrifices to achieve them. But at what cost? What have they given up for their bliss? Did they ever got it back?

I want to find my bliss; to stand at the doorway and welcome everyone who wants to enter and share it with me. I want to find my bliss but I’m scared to death of letting things go because I might not get them back. I want to find my bliss but I’m afraid I’ll lose sight of the people around me. I might turn into something I hate.

I want to find my bliss but I’m afraid of what I need to do.

****************
Joseph Campbell is one of the most influential people in my life. He thought me about the power of myth and the hero’s journey and the monomyth (my favorite); his works in comparative mythology and comparative religion have helped me let go of my attachment to my faith.¬†He¬†was the one who opened my eyes to many things, he’s¬†the biggest influence in my agnosticism and my reason to pursue Anthropology (Mike Rugnetta’s here too!).
I haven’t met him but we learned about him in passing alongside Roland Barthes during¬†uni. We didn’t really delve into studying about him¬†so I don’t really recall what got me interested but a few weeks after I was buying all of his books and watching his documentary.

What I Realized When Looking at Children

thanks...

My friends and I attended our friend’s baby’s christening and what I realized was that I liked playing with babies. I like hanging out with them, I get so¬†gigil when I’m near them like how I get when I’m near puppies, but I wouldn’t want to have one of my own.

You know how some parents only like their own children but have a strong aversion to kids who aren’t theirs? (I’m talking to you Louis C.K.)¬†I think I’m the opposite.

A few days ago I was reading something in Thought Catalog (here’s the link) and I pretty much found myself saying, “yes, exactly!” to pretty much everything the writer had written. I especially agreed with this part:

Generally speaking, if your kid is a little shit, it’s not helping anyone, and that’s probably on you. And I really think the world has enough little shits.

I know that there¬†are already an abundance of little shits in the world and I don’t want to contribute to that. I was once a little shit, myself. When I was a child, we had maids (I swear we’re not rich) and most of them do not last for more than two months–except for this one maid I really loved because she didn’t pull my hair or made me kneel, or slapped me when I was being unruly. Ok, so maybe I was just retaliating but my parents have said countless times that I was a little monster.

So when I imagine taking care of a dozen me I get aversive of the responsibility. But then again, what if I don’t? What if my child can become someone great, not a little shit, and someone who can probably contribute a great deal in our lifetime or future generations?¬†I’m mulling over whether I really want children or not because of that possibility.

There is, however, another possibility: the possibility of really raising a shitty kid. We have to agree that it isn’t all nurture but also the nature surrounding the child’s development. Take my brother and I, for example. Our parents are religious people. They’re sort of progressive but they’re still religious. We always go to church; I once wished to become a nun; when I was little up until 1st or 2nd¬†year of college, I prayed 3 times a day and feared that something bad would happen to me if I didn’t. I was pretty much set to be a religious nut then Literature happened, Philosophy happened, a lot of things happened that were beyond my parents’ control that shaped my views on religion. My brother and I are now agnostics.

agno

The point is, you won’t have any idea what’s going to happen to your children. And I have great respect for parents or for people who decided that their calling is to be a parent. That’s a really big responsibility and I salute your courage. But just like the author, I don’t think I’m being selfish. I guess I’m already decided that I’ll just travel instead of have a baby.

I think in the end, we’re just choosing whatever makes us happy. No pressure, no gender roles, and no guilt.

Returning to the Blogosphere (yet again) and my struggle with stuff

January passed by and I promised myself that I’m going to write again when the year starts. It’s an annual folly of mine to give my blog a makeover, write 2-3 posts about things in my life and then completely forget about it. February ends next week, and I’m a month late. But hey, better late than never, amirite?

I’d like to think that I’m a Jack-of-all-trades kind of girl; but the reality is, I’m what people in my country would call a¬†ningas kugon or ¬†someone who’s really enthusiastic only at the beginning of an endeavor then loses interest without acquiring mastery. It’s part of my being impulsive, I guess. This has been my struggle for most of my childhood, teenage life, and early adult life.

I’m still struggling.

Finding my “thing” as a kid

and master none

and master none…OTL

I got introduced to writing¬†when I was 12 or 13, basically my first year in high school (we didn’t have K-12 back then, y’all!), when I met my best friend. Before I got started in writing, I used to draw before high school and many people admired my drawings; they would ask me to draw characters from anime shows that were popular back then. I was very proud of it. I drew everyday to “hone” my skeelz just to beat everyone who knew how to draw and I would ignore those people who drew better than me. It was fun for me, and my classmates were happy when they got their drawings.

I met my best friend when I was in the sixth-grade and have occasionally seen her and her drawings around. We were formally introduced by this guy–who tried to court us both, btw–some time around graduation practice. ¬†During those days, I was still sort of indifferent to her presence but appreciated the fact that another person became my friend. I had very few friends back then, and the ones I did have didn’t feel like they were really my friends.

We both loved anime and was addicted to the anime RaVe. She would call my house to ask if I’ve seen the latest episode (which I did) and we would commence our conversation from there. It wasn’t until when I was placed¬†beside her in high school that we became close. I discovered that apart from making amazing art, she was also a writer and a really, really good one too. She had a notebook where she wrote down this anime-esque fantasy novel called Fate (I still have it) and I loved it. She had me read every new chapter she wrote and I kept anticipating for new ones to the point that I¬†was rushing her and asking every two days.

Soon, I started to copy what she did.

I tried my best to draw as well as her. There was one time when I felt that my art was getting close to her level. I don’t really remember what happened but I eventually stopped drawing. Just like her anime-esque fantasy novel I also my own¬†and then when I got bored of the first one I created ¬†another one which was an anime-esque horror fantasy novel with vampires (I seriously thought a half-vampire vampire hunter was unique until I found out about the anime Hellsing). Their names elude me now but I never finished either one (figures). I could not admit to myself that I was internally competing with her because my childish mind could not comprehend the concept of a friendly competition. To me, the people I compete with it are purely rivals even though they didn’t reciprocate the thought.

It was also around this time that¬†she introduce me to blogging. Only me, her ,and a couple other friends knew about it and would read it. I learned a bit about coding and layouting a blog. Not even the basics but as long as I could turn a pink layout blue then, hey, I was bloody elated. ¬†We never made our own blog layouts, though; we haven’t learned that yet. We just downloaded themes and then manipulate them a bit. My first time blogging was fun; it was like a diary but ¬†other people can read it. I continued this online diary for a year and it was fun while it lasted.

I did back then whatever it is I’m doing now. Writing. And even though I was never really good at it, it was fine because I was having fun writing it.

A couple of years passed, still in high school, she became the editor-in-chief of our school newspaper, and I, the sports editor. The writing stuck as it was something I was really beginning to enjoy because I love words; then poetry came and my world changed.

I was really good at it during high school, or so my classmates would say. They would pay me¬†to write their poetry assignments for them which I had no problem doing since I was just writing the same shit for them using different high faluting words.¬†They were lazy little shits but the poetry I created for them¬†was something I was proud of since I could churn out 5 poems (which I thought were excellent, btw) a day and it was sort of an ego boost. The teacher even thought I was just taking them from books or the internet; I felt insulted but it’s a rant for another post.

Around that time, the journalistic board (us) was already planning to produce a creative writing folio. Most of my poetry was to be published there, every one was excited, even the artist drawing the art for my poems already started drawing. But nothing ever became of it. I forgot what the reason was, I think the nun principal told us we didn’t have the budget for it which really disappointed me. My best friend fought for that folio because she knew what the school budget was but it failed. We had fun for a couple of months conceptualizing the stuff, though.

We eventually stopped feeling sorry for our failed folio dreams and abandoned pining for it. After that, for some reason, writing and poetry stuck with me until I pursued Literature in university, while my best friend went on to become a great fashion designer/artist.

The year after we graduated in high school, our folio dream was realized. It was too late for me and the other aspiring creatives in our batch, though.

My creativity is selective

As much as I like writing, I just want to do it at my own pace, and at my own time. Forcing me to write something I have no emotional investment to (like what I do for a living now)¬†will just create bad writing. Still, I try my best. I may not be excellent in creating reading materials that flow naturally when read but I’m getting there. Or at least I’d like to think so.

This is part of the reason why I’m blogging again; practice makes perfect. And what better way to practice writing than to write about your own life? Even though no one gives a rat’s ass about what goes on in my life, it’s one of the things¬†that I have the biggest emotional attachment to. I have to give justice to my thoughts, right?

As much as I want swear to the universe that I’ll update this blog regularly. I will do no such thing this time. I won’t force myself to write when I don’t feel like it and when I have nothing to say. Otherwise everything will feel forced which is not the feeling I want to have when I write.

For now, I leave with my very first blog post of the year. Hopefully it won’t be the last. But I’m really busy :I

me too, Rick

me too, Rick