Sometimes you think you’ve done something good, something that you can be proud of. Then you fuck up. You let down the people you love. Over and over again. You wish you could turn back time or kill yourself. But the sad reality is that you have to live with the consequences of your action. 

I saved a life but lost the trust of one I love the most. The weight of disappointing your loved ones is much heavier indeed. I know this now. It’s not a fair trade off but life is unfair. 

This is what I learned on my birthday. Happy birthday to me. 

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My Boyfriend is A Poet

I’m updating my blog to fangurrrrrrl over my boyfriend’s poetic prowess.

I thought my boyfriend would make a great rapper.

The way he easily comes up with words that rhyme and make sense in an incredibly short amount of time is nothing short of amazing. One can say, it’s a gift but we do not believe in a higher being to gift us with skills of the written word. Yes, written. His mind jumbles the words when it comes out of his mouth but when his hands talk, free-flowing, and quick I sit in silence watching him form words so simple but so well constructed I curse myself for not thinking of it.

My “poetry” consists of words forced from the back of my mind, while I searched the thesaurus for highfalutin phrases and old cliches. A flowery stanza after another flowery stanza with awkward stops and forced correlations. Nothing made sense. But he, my beloved, is able to turn the most vulgar of expletives into poetry. I am both jealous and proud. I am proud to have this man in my life. His words are pure and honest and simple. As should every poetry be.

My boyfriend wouldn’t make a great rapper. He’s a poet.

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We have no title yet, for this… Sooooo… ^^’

Put a fork in me, I’m done

Put a dick in me, I’m fun

Put some meat in me, I’m a bun

Put bullets in me, I’m a gun

Put god in me, I’m a nun

Make words with me, I’m a pun

Put shoes on me, I gotta run

Pull a baby out of me, it’s a son

Put weights on me, I weigh a ton

I’m the lottery, and you’ve won.

I know I won the lottery when we found each other :3

Musings

Sometimes you think something would be easy so you accept it because for a reason or another it seems perfect, logical even.

But it’s not. Nothing in life is ever easy.

It will tear you and wear you out. And on most days you feel tired for no reason, you have no energy for anything. You try to keep yourself busy to forget.

You live day to day without looking forward to anything. Except the little things like a new oven, or a new gear. They’ll distract your mind for a week, or three, but after that you have to go look for something else.

I don’t see anything five years from now. Ten years from now I see nothing, I might be blind by then.

For now, I’ll move at my own pace. I’ll keep feeling until I’m numb and no longer willing to feel.

We’ll see where this goes. Even if I lose my sight.

On Being Fit

I know I said in the post before this one (it’s literally the post below this post), that I’m going to start a fitness blog to meet the fitness blogging demands of this country (if there’s even any *shrugs*). Now, a couple of days ago I was ranting to my boyfriend about my stress levels and how I haven’t worked out in three weeks. He then tells me how ironic that was since I just announced starting a fitness blog.

Here’s what I told the beloved. I told him that I was taking a break because I’m starting to get burned out. I thought I had a pretty solid variety of exercises to keep me from being bored but for some reason I still get bored and it annoys me that I can’t stick to a schedule. Okay, maybe I can stick to it for a week and a half but after that everything just  becomes meh.

Another reason, which I forgot to tell my boyfriend, is that I blame my laziness on No Weigh May. By doing the challenge I was able to understand that one of the main factors in keeping my motivation is by monitoring my progress through numbers. We all know, that the number on the scale is a lie and not an indication of health (I should know I’m already 109 lbs but my stomach looks like 125), and the projected weight on MyFitnessPal after you’ve finished counting calories for the day are mere estimates, the same goes for the number of calories burned on exercise apps like NTC and exercise videos like most videos on Fitness Blender’s (they’ve already addressed this). I know this, but the motivation these numbers give me is indescribable and once I see that I’ve hit this certain number, I get an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment.

Most people would tell you not to base it on the numbers but on what you feel and I agree. But I’m not good at observing myself unless I see a drastic change physically and strength-wise so I need the numbers. It doesn’t have to be measured via scale but keeping track of my caloric intake, for example, helps me eat less and seeing the amount of calories burned helps me push harder (which is actually bad ’cause your body needs rest; learning that now).

TL;DR: I’m never doing No Weigh May again ’cause it makes me a lazy sack of shit and I feel miserable

ON EXERCISING

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So I mentioned about not being able to work out for three weeks because of the reasons stated above; and now I think I’m at that point in my life where I feel really miserable and stressed out when I don’t exercise.

For the past weeks, there’s this combined feeling of lethargy and impatience, like, I can’t keep still. My brain tells me Not to work out so I follow that but my body just can’t keep still. So don’t I just exercise? I don’t really know. It’s that impulse where you need to do something important but you keep trying to convince yourself to do something else. Is it procrastination? It could be.

Then I worked out yesterday to Jillian Michael’s Body Revolution. I missed some sets, felt like I’m on the verge on fainting, my arms still felt like they were gonna fall off (to be fair, I haven’t been consistent with my weight training), and I felt like I was going to vomit. Three weeks of not working out and I’m weak once again. I did some lying yoga stretches on the living room floor and then I feel asleep, undisturbed, on the floor, for an hour. When I woke up my mom noticed that I’m “back to my usual makulit self.” I noticed that too since all while I was showering I never stopped singing to 80’s metal music, or maybe I was just really feeling the 80’s metal vibe that day. Probably.

Before I started to work out late last year, my goal was to lose weight. I’ve achieved that; was 125 lbs, now 109 lbs. Now, I have a new goal and that is to become really strong so I can do exercise tricks like those people on Instagram (:P). Also, I want to have abs, I don’t want to have any jiggly bits except maybe for my boobs and butt (Jen Selter butt, here I come!), and I want to live a long and healthy life so I could at least see frequent space travels happening even if I won’t be able to go because of old age and other factors.

Oh no! I’ve become the fitness freak friend! Give me fitness gifts, friends! kthxbai

Soooooo to answer to the demand of fitness blogs in my country (there’s actually no demand), I decided that I’m going to start a fitness blog. Yay!

Idk what I’ll put there (I don’t even know if I can maintain it) but I’ll get to it… eventually… probably after my trip to Palawan when I start my new gym membership at 24/7 Eclipse Gym.

But seriously, there is a lack of fitness blogs in the Philippines. Or maybe I’m just not looking hard enough? Probably.

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After I finish conceptualizing it, I guess

Musings #3

It beckons to me, the long good night
Rejoice, rejoice for the dying of the light
If the earth is a hologram, then nothing is real
Not fields of poppies, nor famine
Not you nor I are standing —
On this imagined plane where lines are constantly blurred
Nothing is real, everything is imagined

So it beckons and I beckon back
And I switch the light off.

Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

Gashlycrumb Tinies

Gashlycrumb Tinies “K is for Kate…” by Edward Gorey

Thank you

No Weigh May!!

Since I begun my “weight loss/fitness” journey, I’ve been weighing myself constantly–well every Monday. In the mornings. Right after I wake up and before I eat breakfast I make a dash for the scale in case I forget (groggy, confused brain).

Technically, May started last week and I just weighed myself this morning but I just found out about No Weigh May 5 minutes ago! I’m doing this challenge. I am so doing this challenge!

If anyone else wants to do it here’s what you need to do:

  1. Do not measure your weight using a scale
  2. Do not measure your body parts using a tape measure
  3. Do not use a body fat analyzer
  4. No counting of calories; in or out
  5. ONLY track workouts and food intake by writing it down or something.

I’m pretty confident doing this. I think I mostly know how much I need to eat  (less than 1,200 calories for my caloric deficit).

I’m also thinking of switching gyms. The gym I’m at maybe extremely cheap (only PHP 60.00 and 5 minutes away from my house, yo!) but it lacks a trainer and other stuff I think I need. I found one and sometime this week I’m planning to make a visit to inquire.

I’m really serious about my fitness now, guys! My goal used to be thin but now I really want to be strong and flexible (I do Yoga at home, woot!). Still not confident to post any progress pics but probably one day when I get the body and strength I want.